we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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