Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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