how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
