I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I am available for nakedness
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
