the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize