i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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