I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
