didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
