I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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