I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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