i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
