I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
