I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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