no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just gargled with NyQuil
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
