Your mouth is God's brothel.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
