I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
