I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
