why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
