Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
