Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
