Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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