you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
