Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
