I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
