Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
