Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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