I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I FOUND THE LEGS
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