I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I queefed so loud it echoed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
