90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
