The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize