Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
