Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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