I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize