I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
