Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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