Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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