Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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