You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
