my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
