Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
