i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
