well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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