I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
