New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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