things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
