im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
