i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
