we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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