You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
