so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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