my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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