Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
