don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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