I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
