did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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