omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
