We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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