Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
