Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We left the knife in your bed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
