my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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