there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can I color on your dick again?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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