a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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