I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
