I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
its liver damage thursday
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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